Posted by: thisiskv | September 4, 2012

Questions from my heart

“Welcome to Earth, You’re going to feel pain. Something bad is going to happen to you. Your heart is going to be broken. You are going to die. You might never fulfill your dreams. Your soul is not happy about it. It’s nobody’s fault. I’m really sorry you are going through it. But it’s ok to feel the pain right now. Don’t try to prevent it by drinking or doing something worse to escape from it. Love Kaveto” – This should be the note I leave for myself when I die and then come back again.

Some of the reasons I haven’t written a new post lately is because we’ve been working on my VISA to Austria/Germany for the last two months and my whole heart is in this. Also, I have so many questions in my heart about so many different things that I can’t seem to develop a post that will make sense. So if you want to read something well written read some of my other posts. If you are not ready for these questions don’t continue reading… You’ve been warned.

A)    I have questions in my heart for God. Sometimes I doubt if He is fair. Things just don’t add up and I feel afraid again. This doesn’t mean I lost my love for Jesus. It just means I’m human and sometimes I lose hope.

B)    Sometimes I feel like giving up. Why do we still love? It’s hard enough already just dealing with life. Sometimes it is hard being a black man. Is this a white men’s world? There is just something not right about this world. So many times, when my heart gets burned by listening to it, I’m tempted to go back into the place where there was no feeling. Where I stopped listening to my heart’s voice about dreams. It seems safer there. It’s less painful to listen to my heart’s voice about its hope. You can’t get disappointed. But there, in the dark corners where the heart is hiding, you cannot feel love either, you cannot live a fulfilling life, and I walk to the light instead.

C)   If you have ever been in love, you know how to cry. Why would God let us meet? And then plant this great passion for each other if He did not have a greater purpose for us? Now I’m back to square one again and it is hardest at these moments to pick myself up and carry on. The inconsistencies in my faith and the questions that constantly run through my mind seem too much to bear sometimes.

This is how my heart looks like

As C.S. Lewis suggests “There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket—safe, dark, motionless, airless—it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy[pain], or at least to the risk of tragedy[pain], is damnation[………]. The only place outside heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is hell

D)    I don’t feel I am where I belong. I’m sorry mom; I said I would make it big and buy you a nice home. I haven’t yet and I feel upset… Not a moment goes by that I don’t pray to God for my big break. “Please God, am begging you. Don’t let me live a life of poverty. Stuck begging people for help”. I feel like I had it all and now it’s lost. Who must I know? Where should I go? Or am I just another crab in a bucket.

E)    Let’s face it, we can’t change the past. We can’t go back in the past and fix things. I can’t go back to that moment when I was a child, and all of life was in front of me before everything changed. If only that one moment could’ve lasted forever. Please let me go back in time right now to that moment.

So what do I do?

  1. I can complain and be angry about what I perceive as “bad” things, but that won’t make them disappear from my life. They are part of life and I can’t change that.
  2. Do they serve to bring me to a place where I wouldn’t have been without going through them?

I’m no longer scared. When you feel like you have been knocked down and your entire manhood is being stripped from you. There’s nothing more to lose and you start feeling free. Time to regain the spirit I had before and give this my all. After all, am happy with what I have achieved thus far in my life.

So there you have it. A little picture of what’s going on in my mind today. Everything else has to do with university forms, my sister, keeping up with friends, emails that need to be attended to. Financial stuff and what to do about it, when I’m going to move out of this house. The desire to bring winter back, close friends that have been generous to me and how I wish I could pay them back with something special. It’s just another day in paradise 😉

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Responses

  1. kaveto, did we meet when i was in namibia homeschooling the Gunnings?i think we must have…anyway a few thoughts

    you are a thinking, intelligent man. i like it. better than that you are honest with yourself and honest to God, and open to others. that is a really good place to be.

    can i encourage you keep putting your questions before God? he doesn’t always answer the way we think, and usually its quite delayed as we perceive it. but if its the same God i have met, and loved and been loved by, he is always faithful, just and good. often we don’t have the eyes to see it.

    keep seeking him with your doubts, and perceived inconsistencies and all, he loves it when you do.

    Ps. 25

    bless you bro.

  2. Jeremy thanks for writing to me brother. Your words were uplifting and came at a time when I needed it the most. Thank you for being there for me.

    Reading Ps.25 again tonight


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