Posted by: thisiskv | January 21, 2012

The Brave Heart….

 

I’m going to be speaking honestly from my heart to you. This is something I have thought about writing for some time now. I’m filled by my emotions now and it is a bit overwhelming. It is the petrol to my blog writing. This is a bit of my life story and I’m going to share it with you guys not that I have the answers to life or brag about anything but to share it with you guys because I think it will be helpful to some of you and let you walk in to the front door and see who I am.

John Eldgredge said “Every boy, in his journey to become a man, takes an arrow in the centre of his heart, in the place of his strength. Because the wound is rarely discussed and even more rarely healed, every man carries a wound. And the wound is nearly always given by his father [or lack thereof].”  I was also setup for this loss. When I was about 12 years old I was an orphan. This was a hard blow to my comfortable life. My foundation was rocked and shattered! More than that, this is a very crucial time in any young man’s life. This is the time he enters puberty, the time of adolescence, the time of exploring and becoming a man. Now I was going to embark on this journey alone. This was a crippling experience for me, one that would have a lasting effect on my life. My main thoughts then were “You’re on your own KV; you got no family that loves you, no one to show you the way and no one to send you on the path to become a man”. During my early teens I used to leave the Gunning’s house for a few days because I felt like this. When I think about this now it was my cry for “help”.  Statistics show that 90% of all homeless and runaway children are from fatherless homes. I now had to teach myself to become a man. So I became very driven, a perfectionist and a very independent young man. Not to say that these are bad things, but for me they came from a bad heart. It was my defense shield. I became KV; I don’t need anyone. I don’t need your love and I don’t admit any brokenness.

Manhood is passed on from one man to another. Not from your mother, not from your friends but from your father! A boy learns to become a man from another man. When I was 16 I taught myself to drive a car back in Rundu. I used to pride myself in that. One half it is a good thing because it shows my drive. The other half it is just sad. There wasn’t a man in my life who said “come here boy, here are the car keys. I’m going to teach you how to drive son.” A father is the 1st man in a boy’s life and he lays the foundations. The father passes on the essential knowledge and helps the boy become a man by testing his strength.

Sometimes it takes another man to step-up if your father wasn’t there and intervenes. I think about the life of Jesus and his father Joseph. Joseph had to step up and intervene. He took Mary and Jesus in and raised him like his own child. I’m sure Jesus had a good father-son relationship with Joseph. They were so close that Joseph was teaching his son the skills he had and Jesus became a carpenter. Strength is passed on from someone stronger than you; the baton needs to be passed on.

I had a strong relationship with my dad so a wound like this was lessened. One of my favorite movies that clearly shows what I have talked about is “The Lion king”. There comes a point in the movie where Simba has to go fight for pride land but he is not sure if he can. Actually he doubts he has the strength or whither he is the true king until Rafiki shows him his father and this is what Mufasa says”Simba, you have forgotten me. You have forgotten who you are and so forgotten me. Look inside of you Simba, you are more than what you have become. You must take your place in the circle of life. Remember who you are, You are my son and the one true king…” A man needs to know who he is and if he has what it takes. A boy’s father means a lot to him because he is a source of strength. I identified with Simba. I too was a king who ran away from his land to live a life of “hakuna matata”. I thought it was my fault.

So what is the result, we build a mask to hide the pain from people. The loss was buried so deep in my heart that I hardly ever took it out and examined it. But now we have to face the pain. We have to admit that it hurt. But that is not the end of it. If your father failed to “initiate you into manhood” or was not there, God himself will take you on that journey into manhood. He will strip away all the things that you cling to. Your little plan for salvation. You will feel very vulnerable indeed. You will know how it is to lose but at the bottom is not the end of the story. You will feel alive again. Don’t be afraid of admitting your broken. It is a broken world full of broken people.

For me this happened  on the day I had to tell my family that I performed poorly at Uni. Going in with such bad news I felt a deep sorrow in my heart because I knew the things that people used to give me praise for and admiration, I had just lost. But they felt compassion for me and showed unconditional love. Like any family member will feel hurt by your loss they also shared in my pain. How God turned such a bad thing in to a good thing for me still amazes me. It was like I was a little boy again going to my parents to tell them I fell from the tree in the backyard. Crying from the pain of falling so high and hitting the ground, with blood from the wounds making it a little worse. They would come running outside to hug and comfort me. After all the sobbing and crying they reassure me of their love and say “I think you can do it my boy.” And so I venture of again in to the backyard playing every game I could think of except climbing the big tree. I even pretend not to see it anymore, it doesn’t exist! This can go on for days or even weeks but then the “time” comes and you know you have to do it, it is the now or never kind of feeling. I look at my scars and they remind me of the time I failed and the voice in my head tells me “let’s just leave this and go do something else. It is far too dangerous” but inside my heart I feel this is something I have to do…..So I proceed and follow my heart and not looking back from the decision I made I start climbing. Looking for the next branch to hold on, I lift my legs up and step on a branch to continue catapulting myself up. Some branches brake as I continue to climb, but I’m more careful this time. As I climb higher and higher, I pass the broken branch I feel off from and see what is left of it. I keep marching on and soon before I know it…. I am at the top of the tree! Wow, what excitement and joy is in that?! I shout out from the top of the tree with joy for “Mom! Dad! Come see” and they come out side and say “where are you?” I shout “here! Up in the tree, look!” and just like that a Huge smile starts to appear on their faces. One that says we are your parents and we are happy for you and say “well done son! We knew you could do it.”

In the end this is what men want to hear from their fathers. “You are my Son, whom I love; with you I am well pleased” (Luke 3:22)

 

Interesting statistics:

Drug Use: “…the absence of the father in the home affects significantly the behavior of adolescents and results in the greater use of alcohol and marijuana.”
Source: Deane Scott Berman, “Risk Factors Leading to Adolescent Substance Abuse,” Adolescence 30 (1995)

Men who grew up in father absent homes: Saddam Hussein, Adolph Hitler and Jack The Ripper

Act now, pay later: “Children from mother-only families have less of an ability to delay gratification and poorer impulse control (that is, control over anger and sexual gratification.) These children also have a weaker sense of conscience or sense of right and wrong.”
Source: E.M. Hetherington and B. Martin, “Family Interaction” in H.C. Quay and J.S. Werry (eds.), Psychopathological Disorders of Childhood. (New York: John Wiley & Sons, 1979

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